A year from now, here are five things from this week that I'd like to remember.
"It's a Wednesday afternoon in September and the leaves rustle but refuse to fall. The air is hot, damp with perspiration, hung like wet cloth wrung out to dry. I've been instructed to write a piece on illustration, which is what I do for a living. I am an illustrator; some days I believe it, others I have to convince myself it's true. Somehow, I have nothing to say, no words for the vocation that has occupied my mind for the conscious years of my life and threatens to stay until my mind itself decides to leave.
When I think about a single moment, I consider all I don't know: the other perspective, the years that led up to a particular interaction, the emotions that haven't been expressed. The existence of everything I haven't seen. When I write about a single moment, I think about all of the words left unsaid. This is where illustration arrives, lending its presence to the butter knife abandoned in the dish, the clothes heaped on the floor, the head cradled between two hands in front of an office window. Illustration is story-telling. It’s the pencil's way of illuminating a path hidden in the shadows, hoping to eventually catch light."
––an excerpt from my latest column, Being, for Issue #52 of Uppercase Magazine
Akiko Miyakoshi's incredible lithography illustrations, both lonely and sweet. On my list to read are The Tea Party in the Woods and The Way Home in the Night.
I listen to a lot of Agnes Obel while I work, which comes as a surprise to probably no one. One of my favorite songs is “Familiar,” where her voice is shadowed by another person's, creating a haunting-empty-cathedral-like feel. While making dinner one night, I wondered who was harmonizing with her, and T decided to investigate.
It turns out that there is no other person––Obel records ghost voices and layers them over each other, singing along to past versions of herself. Of the song, she says, “It’s about sort of a secret love, love that becomes like a ghost, a person that is in love.”
What else is love but a ghost, soft and transparent? You don't always feel it and often it's hard to see, but you're quite certain, still, that it must be there.
Helpless isn't something I felt often until 2020. Now, it appears regularly. A loss of control, an inability to choose, the feeling of never having been here before––even if I have. It's climbed into my well of oft-felt emotion, making itself at home; I wish it wouldn't.
Today it accompanies loss, this helplessness. My fingers tremble as I struggle to comfort a dear friend, willing myself to conjure words that won't seem shallow or obtuse, sitting in the humility of knowing there's nothing I can do.
A song ends, the day is done, the words I didn't say hang in the air long after the moment has passed.
i am running into a new year
and the old years blow back
like a wind
that i catch in my hair
like strong fingers like
all my old promises and
it will be hard to let go
of what i said to myself
about myself
when i was sixteen and
twentysix and thirtysix
even thirtysix but
i am running into a new year
and i beg what i love and
i leave to forgive me.
––“i am running into a new year” by Lucille Clifton
xo,
M
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